I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
