She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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