dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
