Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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