Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
