You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize