When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
