That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
