i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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