He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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