I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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