then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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