so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
