I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
