Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
