dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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