I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
