i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
