I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
