Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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