I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
