got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
