my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
