Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
