First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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