I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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