sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
