PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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