i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
