i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
