ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
