I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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