Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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