I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
