Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
