When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
