I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
