Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
