I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
