i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
