Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
