After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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