I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
