Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
