wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
