At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
