I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
