I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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