hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
