guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
