Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
