Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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