She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
