apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
