i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
