I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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