Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
