I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
