I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
